In narrative therapy those working with children and young people teen have shared how they actively externalise the problem, differentiating the human experience from the human body. This involves turning an adjective such as “I am a depressed Mother” or “My child is anxious” into a noun. “I am experiencing depression” or “I am experiencing anxiety”. It separates the person from the problem. In all circumstances, ‘The person is not the problem; the problem is the problem. The problem is what the person is experiencing.’ Whether that be a person’s relationship with drugs, alcohol, food; or anger, externalising makes it possible for the person’s family or the individual themselves to look at the impact of the difficulties, without blame or shame. Externalising creates space to explore and develop storylines about life “outside the problem”. Asking yourself about the times when the problem (such as experiencing anxiety) doesn’t exert as much influence can provide insights and challenge you to look at situations, circumstances and factors differently.
Labels, categories, tags, and in today’s online world #hashtags are better framed if named as your difficulties?. Why, you ask – language is source of understanding and by asking;
“What effect does it have on your relationships with yourself, or others?”
“Does the difficulty cause you say or do things, that you might not otherwise say or do?”
“Does it come between you and the people you love or care about?”
“Who or what makes the problem become smaller or more complex?”
“Who supports you? and what does that look like?
How would this support person describe you to others, and they can be people you know now or in the past”
Mentalising is the capacity to interpret your child’s behaviour in terms of intentional mental states for example, a child’s needs, desires, feelings; beliefs; goals and reasons. BUT if we as a parent, when we were growing up, were not surrounded by others who thought about you or supported you; then you are vulnerable to lacking that capacity when you become a parent. That ability to think about and empathise with others in your family. They parenting strategy deployed for your children, and yourself as an adult is a form of emotion Coaching that becomes a piece in the jigsaw puzzle that allows you to overcome this disconnect with your child and connect more deeply with them. It works for children, teens and adult relationships. If we can connect when it comes to other’s emotions; then we will see an improvement in behaviour and relationships in general.
The role of left and right brain.
Left brain – desires order, is logical, literal, uses words, focuses on details of events and processes information in a linear way (events in order).
Right brain – holistic, processes non-verbal information, focuses on the big picture not the detail, specialises in images, emotions and stored personal memories.
Why look at your ability to reflect as a parent?
When do you have the time?
If parents are able to reflect on their child or teenager’s “internal world”, then they have the capacity to think about that other person’s desires, needs and beliefs. This mentalisation, is the psychological process of envisaging the mind of the other and understanding ‘that not all is known, and that all versions can be true.’ The ability to interpret behaviour in terms of intentional mental states e.g. their needs; desires; feelings about events/people; their beliefs about the world/themselves; their goals and their purpose. As a parent or as a person within a relationship – at the point of conflict or disconnection, we should ask
“What’s the need behind the behaviour?”- This is what drives that person’s behaviour.
When a person needs there is a short list to choose from.
